Asexuals, Demisexuals and Incels: Who Are These People and How Are They Different?

You have probably heard these words online, in conversations, or in the news. Yet very few people clearly understand what they actually mean and why it matters. Here is the key point: these are three completely different phenomena with only one thing in common. The absence of sex. That is where the similarity ends.

Asexuals

Imagine someone who has no desire to eat chocolate. At all. Not because they are on a diet, not because of some childhood experience. They just do not want it, and that is that. Asexuality works in roughly the same way.

An asexual person is someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward other people. Or experiences it so rarely and so faintly that it barely registers. 

A few important things to understand:

• This is not erectile dysfunction or a hormonal imbalance.
  
  
• This is not the result of trauma or a bad relationship history.
  
  
• This is not religious celibacy, nobody is forbidding anything.
  
  
• Approximately 1% of the world's population identifies as asexual.

Asexual people can fall in love, build relationships, and even have sex for the sake of a partner. They simply do not feel drawn to it themselves. Think of it as doing something nice for someone close to you when you personally have no need for it.

Subtypes worth knowing about:

• Graysexuals attraction exists but is very rare and faint, sitting somewhere between typical and asexual.
  
  
• Aromantics experience no romantic attraction, though sexual attraction may still be present.
  
  
• Demisexuals a separate story, covered below.

Demisexuals

You may know people who say: "I cannot get close to someone I barely know, I need to understand them first." Demisexuals represent the furthest point along that spectrum.

A demisexual person experiences no sexual attraction at all until a deep emotional bond has formed. Not a passing sympathy, not "they seem like a nice person," but genuine closeness, trust, and mutual understanding. Only then does attraction switch on. 

What this looks like in real life:

• An attractive stranger? Zero reaction.
  
  
• A one-night stand? Psychologically out of the question.
  
  
• But someone they have known for years and completely trust? Everything works, and often with considerable intensity.

This is not shyness and it is not fear of rejection. The brains of demisexual people simply activate attraction through the emotional channel only. They do not suffer because of this, they are just wired differently. No treatment is needed or appropriate.

Incels

This is where we enter fundamentally different territory. While asexuals and demisexuals represent variations in how attraction works, incels are about psychology, subculture, and, to be honest, pain.

An incel (involuntary celibate) is a person who wants intimacy and relationships but is convinced they will never have them. Not because they chose abstinence, but because they believe they are genetically unattractive, a loser in the "genetic lottery".

This is not a sexual orientation. It is a mindset and an online community that reinforces and amplifies that mindset.

What Does Science Say About Incels?

Swansea University conducted one of the largest studies of this community in 2025. The findings were striking:

• 37% of incels think about suicide every single day.
  
  
• 86% experienced systematic bullying in the past, compared to 33% in the general population.
  
  
• 48% scored at the maximum level of loneliness on standardised scales.
  
  
• 30% showed autistic traits, which is 30 times higher than the population average.

In other words, behind the aggressive online rhetoric there is most often a deeply hurt, isolated person who was bullied at school and never learned how to build close relationships.

How Does the Incel Mindset Work?

Psychologists identify several typical patterns they call cognitive distortions:

• "Blackpill" the belief that attractiveness is entirely determined by genetics and nothing can be changed.
  
  
• Learned helplessness "I have tried, nothing works, there is no point".
  
  
• Anxious attachment a simultaneous intense desire for closeness and a deep fear of trusting anyone. These two feelings block each other.
  
  
• Hostility anger directed at potential partners, at "successful" men, and at society as a whole

The Important Takeaway

An incel is not a villain by nature and is not an asexual person. This is someone with serious psychological difficulties who needs help. British psychologists (BPS, 2024) state clearly: incels should be viewed first and foremost as a group at psychological risk, not as a threat to society. 

The Key Differences

An asexual person experiences little or no sexual attraction. Usually, they do not suffer because of it and see it as a natural part of who they are. Support is only needed if this causes personal distress or pressure from society.

A demisexual person experiences sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional connection with someone. Without trust and emotional closeness, they may have no interest in sex. This is not considered a problem or a conscious choice - it is simply part of their personality.

An incel experiences sexual or romantic attraction but is unable to build relationships or realize these desires. Unlike asexual or demisexual people, incels often suffer because of this and may feel anger, frustration, loneliness, or unfairness. In such cases, psychological support or psychotherapy may be helpful.

Why Does Any of This Matter?

Because in real life you can encounter any one of these people. An asexual friend who does not need to be "fixed" with advice. A demisexual person who needs time, and that is not a game. Or someone with incel thinking patterns who needs a conversation, not a confrontation.

Understanding these differences means speaking to people more accurately, without unnecessary assumptions or prejudice.