Why is Sex With a New Partner Unsuccessful?

In everyone's life, eventually, a new partner appears. The first experience of sex is a meeting of partners at the closest level, where physical and personal boundaries practically blur and merge with those of the partner.

The situations can be different - everything can happen too quickly, ambiguously, roughly, or disappointingly. Sex with a new partner may seem unsuccessful, affecting future relationships. However, this is not a reason to jump to conclusions.

Reasons for failure

For a significant number of couples, their first sexual experience does not go smoothly. This depends on various reasons. But most often - due to high expectations of what the first time should be like, how you should behave and feel, and, of course - to bring the partner to orgasm, preferably thirty times or more. Joke. Or not?

Sex is always subjective; both you and your partner should be comfortable and safe in it.

Four red flags of unsuccessful sex

• You or your partner did not receive explicit consent. Good sex cannot happen without consent. Consent should be mutual, conscious, and active. In other words, you both discuss and agree on having sex with a sound mind. If everything happens with silent consent, you must clarify this moment.
  
  
• Lack of trust. In any sexual act, you and your partner should feel safe. If there is no trust in sex, you will not be able to relax. This also applies to contraceptives. Sex should be protected.
  
  
• Disregard for personal boundaries.
  
  
• Inability to say or hear no. Often, partners only think about their desires and forget that in sex, it is possible and necessary to consider the possibility of refusal of any actions from both sides. If you did not say yes but still engaged in an intimate act or did not refuse something during sex - this can leave unpleasant feelings and memories. The partner can feel the same. Say "no" to sex before and during sex.

In the first sex, you want to give your all so much that sex imperceptibly turns from pleasure into a "program run." Undoubtedly, technique matters, but by no means is it definitive. It is much more important to hear, listen, observe and talk about your comfort or discomfort, feelings and emotions, and physical sensations.

Good sex brings pleasure and satisfaction to the partners from the process rather than evaluating each other's abilities. Notions of "good/bad" sex depend on many factors, such as previous sexual experience, expectations based on media materials, stories of acquaintances and friends, etc. In addition, sexual education, cultural characteristics, personal values, and preferences can also influence the quality of sex.

Less obvious signs of unsuccessful sex

• Lack of hygiene. Odors greatly affect arousal, and unpleasant body odors can easily diminish this arousal. Therefore, always maintain hygiene.
  
  
• Striving to meet stereotypes. Presenting oneself in the best light to each other and trying to please at all costs often leads to tension and artificiality.
  
  
• Inattentiveness to the partner: when one partner cares only about their feelings and pleasure, entirely ignoring the reaction of the other participant in the process.
  
  
• Comparing with other partners. Memories of the past are a bad stimulus for new sex and relationships in general, so do not compare out loud, and leave the analysis of experience for a time when you are alone with yourself.
  
  
• Dissatisfaction with your body. Focusing on your bodily shortcomings takes you out of the process of sex and sensual sensations. If you have already reached the point of sex, believe me, your partner does not care about the toes on your feet or the folds on your stomach. 

Physiology

There are also physiological reasons that can overshadow sex. Prolonged absence of sexual contact in men can lead to premature ejaculation before reaching orgasm (this is normal), which can also hinder the full participation of both partners in the process. There is a high level of tension due to the desire to perform well and a low awareness of physiological processes.

In women with prolonged absences of sexual contact, there is sometimes a feeling of discomfort during penetration, which will pass with careful continuation, considering the partner's sensations.

Sometimes, partners forget to warn about possible problems and diseases that may limit sexual contact. Make sure to inform each other if you experience any health issues.

Speed, fears, and circumstances

It is often said that it is better not to rush, immerse yourself in a romantic atmosphere, and create suitable conditions for intimacy. Such an approach will help reduce fears associated with sex and allow both partners to be more relaxed, tune in together, and comfortably spend time together.

Sexual intimacy is an intimate interaction that requires mutual understanding, respect, and trust. Discuss your expectations and desires with your partner, use contraception, and create favorable conditions for intimacy.

There are no guarantees that the first experience will be perfect, but caring for each other can make it memorable. Remember that the main thing is to respect yourself and your partner and engage in intimacy only when both are ready and willing.

Preventive measures

• Discuss your expectations and try to understand your partner's desires.
  
  
• Trust your intuition; do not dwell on details.
  
  
• Do not spend too much time on self-analysis, and do not get lost in thoughts about failures in sex.
  
  
• It is important to let go of the past and not compare your partner with others; in bed, it's just the two of you.

Should you rush?

Most likely not. A burst of passion is wonderful, but studies indicate that women, more often than men, experience feelings of sadness or worry after sex.

It is also important not to rush or set the goal of "trying everything" at once. Not everyone is ready for sexual experiments at the beginning of a relationship.

Possible consequences

Note that only 25% of women consistently experience orgasm during vaginal intercourse, regardless of its duration, the size of the man's penis, or the woman's attitude towards the man or the relationship.

It takes time to achieve understanding. Failure does not mean that there will be problems in the future. 

If the first sex was unsuccessful, but there were no "red flags" mentioned earlier, do not rush to draw radical conclusions about yourself and your partner.

It is important to approach the situation with understanding, talk to your partner (later and if necessary), ask for something to be corrected, discuss behavior tactics, or ask for help.

It was a random sexual encounter

In this case, you can try to reduce the importance of failure for yourself: it is not the worst thing that could have happened. And do not carry the tail of unpleasant experiences into new relationships. 

If you want to continue the relationship, criticism and complaints can worsen. It is better not to focus on the failure but to try again in a different mood. Perhaps it was just an unlucky day. Many factors can damage a fragile mental organization, and all of them can cause such a fiasco.

Instead of a postscript

An unsuccessful experience also teaches us how not to do things. So, for the next first sex with a partner, consider your experience, learn from your mistakes, or avoid repeating them; after all, you have just read the instructions.

You can find answers in our other articles on similar topics if you have any questions.

If you have experienced an extremely unsuccessful and unpleasant sexual experience that you cannot cope with on your own, we recommend seeking help from a sexologist.

Sources: 

Postcoital Dysphoria: Prevalence and Psychological Correlates
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/sm2.74

The Most Important Sexual Statistic
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/all-about-sex/200903/the-most-important-sexual-statistic